Tales From a Female Traveller

(I included this picture of Kait and myself because it's one of my favourites)
After what was quite a long hiatus from my blog I am back and ready to share.
Now it hasn't been easy coming back. Not because I don't have anything to write, but more because I have so much to write. What makes it even more intimidating is the subject of this chapter. It's been so difficult finding the all the words in my head, even the un-said one's, and bringing them to fruition to put here. So..where do I start?

I guess the answer to that is around November 1999. I was in my first year of university and hating every second of it. During my free hours I would hang out in the IT labs and tinker with the internet. That's where I found a site that was dedicated to that wonderfully camp classic television series called Xena: Warrior Princess. Now don't laugh, because a lot of you out there I also met at this site. But there was one person I just bonded with immediately.

I never found it particularly hard to make friends, nor did I normally associate with people too much younger than myself but she was wiser than her years and our friendship formed easily. Actually, looking back at the posts it was practically immediate. Of course, I formed friendships with others, as did she, but it's pretty safe to say that my frienship with Kait was stronger than most and it wasn't long before we started sharing everything about ourselves with each other.

Roughly a year later my Best Friend Harley (and I put all that in capitals because it's a title I believe deserves it) died tragically in a car accident and life as I knew it pratically stopped. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I could barely breathe, and when I did sleep I had nightmares of seeing her in the hospital connected to the machines that were keeping her alive. I remember everything so clearly, better than I can remember yesterday. And I also remember the moment of my heart break when I felt her slip away. I was not at the hopistal at this time, I was in a car driven by my ex's father desperately trying to get there. I don't think I've ever been so connected to Harley as in that exact moment. The car was zooming along the freeway, the radio was off and my ex and his father were making small talk as I stared out the window watching the other cars headlight's and letting my eyes lose focus. My ex took his hand and wiped the tear that rolled down my face and told me not to jump the gun, that it may not be that bad... but I just knew.... "She's gone." I said to him.... And by the time I arrived friends and family were already being councelled on saying goodbye. To me though, it was too late, I had missed my chance. Sure, she was there in the emergency room, but she wasn't there there and I couldn't bring myself to even touch her. I was too afraid of what might happen.. it's all so stupid now.

When it was all over and the time came to tell Kait I found that I couldn't find the words. I'm not one hundred percent sure of my thinking at the time but I remember talking to Zeph (Chronicles of an Exhausted Mom) about how I was going to break such horrible news to her. I was afraid she wouldn't know how to deal with someone else's grief and become distant like a lot of the people I went to school with did. Kind words and sentiments mean a lot, but it's the people who stick by you no matter what is thrown at you that means the most, even if nothing is said.

I have to honestly say that I do not believe in suicide, but during that stage of my life, I truly wanted to die. What was the point in being here if everything you cared for so deeply was taken away from you? I had such an identity crisis, I didn't know who I was anymore. My whole life up until that point was shared with Harley. She was as much a part of me as oxygen is, and when she was taken from me I felt like I only had one lung and every single day that I woke up was another day that she didn't. Even though I was not in the accident, I suffered survivor's guilt and I didn't think I deserved to be breathing even half the air she couldn't.

Since then, I have learned that the only way to heal a broken heart, was to wrap it in a massive metaphorical hug and not let go until that break no longer threatens to tear wider. I cannot understand or explain to you why Kait made the decision to offer me this, but the fact that she did it so unselfishly and so unconditionally is the only reason I believe I am here today. I most likely would have died right along with Harley if it hadn't have been for Kait. We spent countless hours talking about Harley, who she was and what she meant to me and even more amazing is the fact that Kait and Harley had never met.

I don't like to talk about this very often because it's still a very painful topic, nor is bearing my soul on the internet something I'm accusomted to, but to understand this is to know what Kait means to me. She is my saviour, my guiding light, my gravity.. she is my sister. I never had a blood sister but Kait is just that to me. She's my little sister, I couldn't live without her and it kills me when things happen in her life that I cannot control or protect her from or offer her that same hug she gave me so many years ago.

A life long dream of mine was to travel to America and this came true in 2003 when I finally met the person I felt I had known all my life. Have you ever had a friend you were so close to you felt that you should have been blood? That the bond you share might carry on into the next life or is continuing on from a previous one? You would not believe how close we are to sisters, we sure do fight like siblings. So when the time came for me to go home again I couldn't handle saying goodbye. It felt so wrong to be leaving and I tried to hide my emotions because I was afraid that it would have been too hard to say goodbye to someone I loved so dearly. Now I wish I hadn't have hid them and just cried at the airport right along with her. Instead I waited until I was on the plane and out of sight to let it go.

She's probably not going to like this post very much. She wanted me to talk about her proud collection of flip flops (thongs for us Aussies)...24 is it? Or how she loves to watch Gilmore Girls and re-runs of Friends. How she loves chocolate, hates broccoli and adores Chic-fil-a and wants about a zillion kids, a husband and a house right now thank you. But I thought it more pressing to express what I have above and even now I am not happy with what I have written. I told her I'd do her justice in this posting but I still don't feel I have.

She has been through so much in her time on this earth and at such a young age still (yes I am old). She is wiser and more mature than anyone else I know, sometimes to her own undoing I think. She's more serious than she needs to be, she's fiercly loyal and she's passionate beyond belief. She's the most amazing person I am honoured to know and I hope one day I can return even the smallest piece of what she did, and still continues to do for me. She is my sister, and I love her more than anything. I hope I have done her the justice I promised in this post, and I hope you too, see what the people you are close to really mean to you.

posted by Lucyspeak @ 8:46 pm